Monday, November 22, 2010

Coach Taylor and the Friday Night Lights Part 1

Things were just starting to settle for them when he got the letter. An owl had gotten into their house that evening. With last night’s game tape blaring before him, Coach Eric Taylor stood on his couch, with a roll of wrapping paper, swatting at the evasive ivory bird. He licked his lips and pierced his eyes at it with determination when suddenly the door opened.
“Shut that door!” A statement as loud as it was sharp.
“Fine dad, calm down.”
It was Julie. She had just gotten home from a party with some new boy. Coach Taylor knew this by the unfamiliar sound of the noise that dropped her off.
“Are you seeing some boy with a dirt bike?”
“DAD! I’m 16!” she shouted back. She then paused, thoughtfully, “Why are you on the couch… Is that an owl?!”
“Your mother’s going to talk to you tomorrow! Go to bed.”
She slammed her bedroom door. It startled the bird and Coach Taylor squared it under the wing. It dropped a letter and flew out the chimney. The letter opened on its own accord and spoke to him.
The next morning Julie had little to say when Coach Taylor told his wife Tami about the dirt bike suitor. Tami sighed when Julie stormed out claiming to have to leave for school early. Something about a teen outreach program. Now alone, Coach nestled up to Tami and offered to pour her some coffee. Tami knew this gift came with a price. She looked up at him, matching her inquisitive puppy dog eyes with his shameful puppy dog eyes. She won.
“I got a new job,” he said.
Her shoulders broke at the news.
“But you just took this one, you said you were done changing things!”
He said nothing. She said nothing.
“Well where is it?” she gave up.
As he spoke he winced as if he knew it sounded like he was being incredulous.
“It’s called Hogwarts.”
She wasn’t impressed with a coaching job at some place called Hogwarts. So Coach upped the ante with a smile.
“It’s in England.”
She gasped.
“And they want me to be Headmaster.”
She threw her arms around him and told him it was wonderful.
The car packed, Julie slammed the trunk and then slammed the rear doors and the passenger door and the driver door. Tami and Coach didn’t like to see her this way but they knew this move was going to be tough on her. Even telling her that the school had a moving art collection did little to get her interest.
Convinced they were lost, frustrations were cutting in. Eventually they were shown to a train and there they sat for what seemed like hours in silence. When they arrived, Coach was separated from them by a large hairy man. He was the groundskeeper and Julie smiled in front of her parents for the first time all year.
“Ello ‘Ulie” the man said, familiarly.
“What are you doing here?! Mom, Dad, this is Hagrid!” she blossomed.
Coach Taylor looked through this man and then up at him as if he was studying every inch of him. Then he saw something behind this man. A motorbike with a sidecar. Tami looked just as nervous but thanks to three hours of butterbeer she pointed out that Julie always did have a thing for teachers. She grabbed Coach by the arm and nudged him away. She didn’t approve but did find the man mysteriously comforting. Like a giant dog with a teddy bear face. She looked at Eric and wondered how he would look with a beard.
That evening Coach was instructed to give a few words to the incoming class. He started by introducing the other teachers. This seemed easier than introducing himself. There was Professor Flitwick, Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey, Pomona Sprout, and someone who wasn’t on the list but in a seat nonetheless by the name of Sybil Trelawney. Coach made a mental note to look into this. Severus Snape was there as well having put a Confundus Charm on anyone who said he killed the previous headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Coach Taylor then smiled and winked at Julie and then sneered at the man whose giant hairy hands were clumped over her shoulder when he announced:
“And your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Mrs. Taylor!”
She spoke as if it were her turn to speak. Minerva rolled her eyes. Headmaster speaks first. Then the hat. Then the teachers.
“Hey y’all. It’s such a pleasure to be here, I’ve never taught magic, I guess you’d call me a Moogle, but I’ve been a principal and I’ve been a guidance counselor so I’ve really seen a lot and I look forward to growing with you all.”
Coach stepped back to the podium and began his speech.
“Now I want y’all to take a knee."

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Mario Galaxy FanFic

Mario sat at the foot of his bed. He took off his shoes and rubbed his feet, sore and tired from a day of jumping for coins. He gently collapsed back, staring at the ceiling. The door opened, Peach was home.
"Why don't you stargaze anymore?" Peach asked. A question she had been holding for days.
Mario closed his eyes as if saying this with them open would be too embarrassing.
"I've been to space... and I've seen planets that look like my face.. I don't know what anything means anymore."
Peach says nothing but sits on the bed, placing her hand on Mario's leg. She wants to say "I understand" but she can't lie to him anymore.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks instead.
"Well Rosalina says that..."
"Oh, so you can talk to Rosalina about this," Peach states.
Mario's eyes, still shut, are held even tighter when he feels her weight shift off of the bed.
"I'm just so confused, Peach. The planets look just like me."

Friday, May 21, 2010


"I don't know how to get a gun out of my holster because I am a terrible liar."

Later that evening he went missing. On the floor only his jacket remained. It lie there still. Letting out only a quiet burp.

It would eat again. But not tomorrow. Tomorrow is Friday and Friday is Taco night on Shutter Island.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Player FanFic

There's blood in the water. It's like a cloud is bleeding.
"Only thing that could come from this is a crop of Audrey II's," said the tough detective. When the cops in earshot asked what he meant by that he explained that Audrey II was the man-eating plant in "Little Shop of Horrors." And though it cleared that up, there was still the body blocking the sewer drain.
"Gonna be a long night" the cops said to each other as they left the detective crouching by the body, tweezers in hand.
"Gonna be as long as the sun doesn't come up" said the detective, pinching off a flake of garlic from what used to be the body's nose. He stands up in a start and shouts,"Come on! Take in this scene before it turns to dust, it's nearly half-past five!"
He walks away stopping to throw in, "You'll be dusting for fingerprints and gettin' only finger."

Police headquarters is busy, even in the morning. Especially in the morning. In this town. New York may be the city that never sleeps and New Orleans may be the city that actually never sleeps, but Hollywood is where vampires eat on the people trying to sleep. The detective slams his door, his name painted on the glass dares itself not to crack. "Detective DeLongpre".

Test results come back on the garlic, it's imported and only one store sells it. Detective DeLongpre drives to Encino where it's sold illegally from an eccentric producer's live-in gardener's basement. Under questioning the gardener says that he sells it only to one man, a writer.
"Writers," Detective DeLongpre says.
"I know," agrees the gardener.

Detective DeLongpre drives to this writer's house. Knocks. The door creaks open. He walks up to a man with his back to him, trimming some plants.
Detective DeLongpre thinks about what he could say to catch this man off-guard and gain some traction at the same time.
"You're a regular Seymour Krelborn," he says.
"Little Shop of Horrors, good one..," the writer nods.
"Detective DeLongpre," answers Detective DeLongpre.
The writer is not a tough man, not when he's dealing with humans at least. He admits to killing the vampire, proud of it even. Another case goes black for Detective DeLongpre.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Avatar FanFic

It starts with him opening his eyes in the blue light of the space ship. It always starts this way. He scratches his three stroke scar and reaches for the door's release.
"I forgot something , we're going back." said General Knife Grabber.
The Marines that work for the company turn and look at him. All of them not saying, "did he die on Pandora?" None of them admitting, "I honestly forget, but I think he did."
"Shut up!" General Knife Grabber says to the silence. "Maybe I'm a clone or a twin or something. Like a Twix bar. Just give me a break!"
General Knife Grabber struts down the corridor and kicks down the door to Giovanni Ribisi who is busy slam dunking rolled up paper basketballs.
"I'm sorry I don't know your name."
"I'm sorry I don't know your name either."
The two are bonded. Bonded like a banshee to a Na'vi.

Meanwhile, on Pandora Jakesul Ly and Matisyahu rule as King and Queen. Jakesul hides his shame for killing Matisyahu's betrothed during a freak attack-the-oppressing-corporates accident. One day he thinks he'll tell her.
She plugged into his braid. She knows everything now. She doesn't even say 'I see you' and walks away.
LAND, the big ship does and all the Na'vi surround it. The sound of taught bow string is so dense that were a supernatural white glowy milkweed seed to land on one, the pluck of grand piano would result. Unfortunately, the arrows do nothing to stop the ship from landing on red-painted Na'vi who were visiting from out of town. The door opens and General Knife Grabber comes out, gas mask equipped.
"I'm sorry, I seem to have forgot something! Like a pack of Nerds or something."
Jakesul approaches him, cool, confident.
"Look around, take it, and leave."
"You don't understand me," General Knife Grabber suggests, "When I said 'a pack of Nerds' that was a metaphor."
General Knife Grabber grabs Jakesul's neck in a headlock.
"Now listen here, Marine, what are you doing? Your body isn't going to last like this! The Avatar bodies are like a really expensive jacket, but if you notice, sometimes really expensive stuff falls apart faster than cheap stuff. Like a Jawbreaker is pretty cheap, but that'll last longer than a Godiva..."
"A Jawbreaker?"
"You know from the 20th Century?"
"Okay, then like Jujubes."
"Oh, yea, Jujubes, I love those."
"Well it's like that so come back with us! I can get you some human legs too."
"I forgot about those."
Jakesul looks to Matisyahu. She's not there.
Jakesul and General Knife Grabber have a brief back and forth on whether or not the Tree could keep fixing his expensive body and eventually night falls. General Knife Grabber retires to his chambers to find the entire crew murdered. He yells and Jakesul runs on board. In the horror of the situation they turn to see the ship's door closing and an odd shape blocking the way out.
It's Matisyahu holding a knife to the sleeping human body of Jake Sully.
"You are stupid."
She kills off the human body and the blue one faints. General Knife Grabber gives up and runs outside to be taken by the teeth of the giant dinosaur banshee. Matisyahu returns to her tree house and plays Egyptian Ratscrew with the Tree-healed Michelle Rodriguez when suddenly six banshees crash into their roof. The baddest banshee is ridden by Dominic Toretto, he detaches his braid.
"Come on, Letty, I hear there's a killer ridge on the floating mountains."
They all fly away. Fastly and with furiousness.