Thursday, June 18, 2009

M&M FanFic

It was a dark day for the yellow M&M, hell, the rain did all but wash away his favorite M. I say "rain," but that would undermine the tears he shed that afternoon. It was official, Red and Green made-out in her trailer. Usually, Yellow would tell her when it was time to come to set. This became custom even though it is the job of the PA. Yellow would always wait, like an animal, outside her trailer and just as the PA was to knock on the door he'd inform the PA of some emergency. Usually it was nothing. Sometimes however, by coincidence, the emergency was real. Like the time Yellow told the PA to check behind the studio for bombs and the PA found a whatchamacallit, passed out on a bed of teeth boxes. Candy eats teeth, you know. If it wasn't for this fool's errand, the whatchamacallit would've possibly died, lying in his own filth. Today however, today was different. After the PA left, Yellow was told to check behind the water tank. He was told to do this by Red.
He went behind the water tank, there was nothing there. Nothing but a gutter, a drain. He stared at it in the same way an astronaut would stare into deep space. The type of stare that turned the black into blue and green when he closed his eyes. Green. That's what this was about. He'd been duped.
Yellow ran like Dustin Hoffman runs. He almost tripped up the small metal stairs leading to the trailer door. But he didn't. It wasn't locked and he opened it fully, his anxiousness to see the truth was greater than his caution. There it was, like an IMAX, Green and Red were making out. Worse off, it wasn't even Red kissing Green. It was her, kissing him.
"This is how Richard Kind must feel," thought Yellow. He was sometimes told that he looked like Richard Kind. He walked out of the trailer backwards, making it down the steps one at a time. He could see the lips moving of Red and Green but he couldn't hear them. He could only see them kissing, even though now they were shouting, shouting at him. Why were they telling him to stop?
Crack. Yellow stared up at the sky.
"It's going to rain," he said.
He blacked out for a moment, but for him it seemed like hours. He was still looking up but the sky was now a deep blue, with clouds. They were shaped like a lab coat. The sky spoke to him.
"Everything is going to be alright, but don't move, you busted a nut."
Yellow's eyes focused and saw this was no sky at all but Blue. Blue had gone to medical school after his career in commercials died down.
"We'll get you back together, just rest, Red and Green are here to see you."
"NO!" shouted Yellow, or it would have been a shout if he had the strength, this was more of a quiet plea.
"I don't want to see them. I don't want to see them."
Blue turned toward the door and silently motioned for Red and Green to leave the room.
Three weeks passed and Yellow was released from Blue's care. He walked back on set and stood underneath the rain-machine which he dragged to Green's trailer. He began to shout.
"This is Me! This is me, Green! Won't you like me?!"
Red opened the door to Green's trailer, she was behind him, wearing his varsity jacket.
"Oh, no, still?!" cried Yellow, confused. "Still with him? Still with Red? Is that what you want?!"
"What's he doing," whispered Green to Red.
"I can hear you!" yelled Yellow.
Yellow bent down and picked up the razor-blade he kept in his shoe ever since the Junk War at Mars Headquarters in the 1980s.
"I can be Red, Green! Green means go! Green means..."
He put the razor to his wrist.
"Green means go!"
With a slash, Yellow stumbled back over the rain-machine. Chocolate poured out of his wrists.
"Humans love! Humans bleed red! I love you Green! I bleed red for you!"
Green bursts into tears and holds the silent Red for comfort. This makes Yellow squirm with frustration. He shouts inaudible words and runs away into the back-lot, clutching his brown arms. He slips on his own chocolate but makes it to the water tank. With one hand wringing the other, he empties himself into the drain.
"You're a Nut! You're a Nut! She thinks that's you out there in the commercials, the foil, the fucking foil! You go to her trailer everyday and the one day he does they're kissing?! That's not math! That doesn't make sense."
Yellow collapses and carried by his slick chocolate is swept halfway into the gutter. Hours later, the PA finds him and bandages him up with camera-tape. Yellow is assured that everything is going to be alright.
"Whatever that means," he thinks.
The next day he's told to stay at home, to think things over, and most of all, relax. He's sitting by his pool and even though he sees the gray clouds forming, he stays in his seat. It begins to rain, but that's okay, he's been crying all day anyway. At this point, the M on his chest is almost fully washed away. Without that he's nothing, just a yellow blob on the sunset strip. He closes his eyes.
The yell of coyotes wake him in the middle of the night, he runs inside, freezing to his core. He looks in the mirror, the rain had washed him completely blank. He is a ghost. He turns off his bathroom light and runs to his car.
"You won't melt in my mouth. But you will die in my hands."
He shifts into second gear and then to first gear, then to third, back to second, and he's at Green's mansion in no time. He busts the security intercom with his car-jack and drives through the gate. His car climbs up her stairs and drives through the front door. He's forayed in her foyer. Yellow opens his car door and steps out. He sees Red eating a grilled tooth mere feet in front of him, his mouth agape. Yellow shouts for Green and this only makes Red more silent. Yellow marches towards Red with a fire in his pale eyes but he slips. The floor is slick with chocolate. Yellow's white gloves are wet with it. He hits the floor in shock like a frustrated M&M Mini. On impact, a green shell spins away from him on the floor and crashes into more pieces underneath the carriage of his car. It bumps against two empty white shoes, womens' shoes, and stops.
"It must be a vase. Tell me it's a vase," Yellow manages to let escape his shocked lips.
His white face frozen, is flashed with shades of blue and red. The police are here. Initially alerted by the home invasion prevention service when the intercom was smashed, the cops now had a homicide on their hands. M&M slaughter charges were dismissed and Yellow was charged with first-degree murder. It was an accident, but he went to Green's mansion for chocolate. Red's chocolate perhaps, but chocolate nonetheless.
Alone in his cell, Yellow scratches an M into his chest.
"You're not going to wash away," he says to the M, "you're going to stay with me forever."
Yellow stayed in that cell, never leaving for the field or activities or mealtimes. Some say that when the guards removed his body he didn't weigh a thing. Prisoners say that when they carried him out, they could hear the roll of his nut going back and forth in his shell. Even the prisoners who had never been to the coast said that it sounded like the Ocean.
Blue went back to the studio and made several hit TV spots with the help of the PA and the whatchamacallit who had since taken up sound production.
Red became a shut-in himself and to this day, some say that everyday he stands inside the foyers of mansions near raceways for hours, waiting to be reunited with Green.


  1. This is how Richard Kind feels as compared to his BFF George Clooney.